Jason and I got married when we were both 19. We had dated for a couple of years and had been engaged for almost a year. So, we got married. Jason was going to school to be a respiratory therapist, and I worked at a bank. Jason finished school after we'd been married for about a year. We bought our first house and talked about having kids. After we'd been married a year and a half, we decided to start trying. We got pregnant the first month. My pregnancy was pretty normal. Morning sickness for the first trimester. I craved milk and eggs. Jason was amazing. He started vacuuming the house when I first got pregnant (and now--almost 13 years later--he's still vacuuming!). He went to ALL of the doctor's appointments. At 23 weeks, we had a special doctor's appointment. We were going to have a sonogram!. We were going to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl! WhooHoo!! How exciting! But when they did the ultrasound, the technician saw things that shouldn’t be there. We were sent to a neonatologist, who told us the baby had severe problems and could not live outside my body. Our baby boy was stillborn a few days later. We named him Jay and buried him.
The doctor said he didn’t know what had caused the problems, but statistically speaking, we should have no more problems. He said to wait 3 months before trying to get pregnant again. So, we waited the 3 months. We tried again after 3 months and again got pregnant immediately. This pregnancy also went well. I wasn’t particularly worried. Statistics were on my side! However, when I was 24 weeks, I was at work, and realized that I hadn’t felt the baby move in several hours. I called my doctor and spoke to the nurse. She said to drink a coke, lay down, and concentrate on feeling the baby's kicks. So, I did that. But there was still no movement. We went in to the doctor, and he found the baby’s heartbeat. He said everything was fine and not to worry (I know he thought we were just overreacting). But we were worried. He finally sent us on to the same neonatologist that we had seen before with my first pregnancy. The neonatologist saw us immediately--the same day. He did a Level 2 sonogram to look at the baby. This time the baby looked fine. I was so relieved. But the doctor still looked concerned. Surely there couldn't possibly be anything wrong--the baby looked fine. But the problem was with me this time--not the baby. I was in labor and didn’t know it. My body was pushing the baby out before it was time. (I was later diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.) The neonatologist's office was in a hospital, so they rushed me to labor and delivery. I was thankful that Jason always came to the doctors appointments--so he was there. They gave my baby steroids for his lungs, but there wasn’t enough time for them to work. My doctor had to do an emergency c-section. Jayden lived 10 hours. Jason stayed with our son most of that time. I slept--trying to block out this nightmare we were living for the second time. We buried Jayden beside his brother.
The next days, months were a blur. I looked around me in intense anger at THEM. You know the ones. The ones that pop babies out like crazy. The ones that can't stand the children they have, and yet they're having more. The ones that are on drugs--that leave their children to fend for themselves--or worse. I felt so isolated and alone. I'd be lying if I said that I was an amazing Christian during this time. That I completely trusted Him and His plan for my life. I didn't. I screamed in anger at God about the unfairness of it all. It was a dark time. After a while, we we found a support group for people who had lost babies. We went to several meetings and found that being with others who have been through the same thing helps a lot. We read books on grief and loss. We prayed a lot and and lots of prayers were offered up on our behalf. We tried again three months later and got pregnant with Madison. We went to the same neonatologist weekly for the whole pregnancy this time. I was scared to death the entire time. My doctor put a cerclage in and our sweet Madison was born by c-section at 36 weeks.
Two years later, we decided to have another baby. Precious Mason was born by c-section 5 weeks early but (thank God) had no health problems.
However, when the doctor was doing the c-section, he said we could not have any more children. He said my uterus was "tissue paper thin" and after 3 c-sections (one of them an emergency c-section) would not withstand another pregnancy. If I did get pregnant again, my uterus would split and kill the baby and me. And honestly, having no more children was fine with us. We had 2 precious children. A girl and a boy. That's the American dream, right? And it was fine--for a while. But after a couple of years went by, we knew we still had love in our hearts for more children. But we couldn't have any more. I was convinced (for a while) that God would miraculously heal my body and we'd have more children. That was not His plan. And I am so grateful it wasn't.
We decided to look into adoption. I didn't really know anyone that had adopted. Where/How do you start? I started looking at agencies and was soon overwhelmed--by the burden of choosing the right one and by the cost. How could we afford it? Jason is an evangelist/church planter. We don't have $20,000 to $40,000 just hanging out in the bank. We didn't even have a tiny fraction of that! We pretty much had NO money. But I knew in my heart that God had called us to do this. To adopt a precious child. HE would make a way (not me). After doing lots of research and getting pretty much nowhere, I was discouraged. Then, at a wedding, a friend told me that her sister-in-law was adopting from a mission group in Taiwan. Since it was a mission group, there were no agencies--so no agency fees. I must admit that's the main thing that made us see about adopting from His Hands. Less money (since we had no money to adopt). I didn't know then what I know now--that if God gives you a heart to adopt, He WILL make a way. So, we applied to adopt through His Hands Taiwan. After nine long months of waiting,
we saw our daughter's face.
Five months later,
we traveled to Taiwan to get her.
We are truly blessed.
We knew even before we brought her home that we wanted to adopt again. The amazing experiences we had in Taiwan and with the wonderful people at His Hands only affirmed what we already knew. If they would allow us to, we would adopt from His Hands again. They said we could, so we submitted our application in January 2011--before Mia was even a year old. We knew that the adoption process is a long one, so we applied before we were really ready. And now, we've been waiting a little over a year this second time. Mia is 2 now. I am ready to see our next son or daughter's face!! Thanks for traveling along on this long, twisty, amazing journey with us!!
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